Speaker 1: 0:30

My name is Cindy Bettino. My company name is Transformational Healing. I'm an intuitive coach, happiness expert and energy worker. Who do I serve? I help people who want the life and relationship skills that they weren't taught by their parents so that they can find long-lasting happiness and health.

Speaker 2: 0:52

So beautiful Love that. Now take me back. What kind of drew you to the world of intuitive coaching? Give me a quick overview of your journey from the start.

Speaker 1: 1:04

Okay, so I grew up in a house that I always say that growing up in my house was like the poem of the girl with the curl in the middle of her forehead when they were good, they were very, very good, and when they were bad they were horrid. A lot of generational dysfunction. A lot of happy times, too, but a lot of rage, all different kinds of abuse, addiction, kind of you name it. It was in my home and on some level I knew that I didn't want it to continue, and so I found myself a nice man and had some wonderful children and realized I was miserable. And I had a set of three epiphanies when I was in my early 30s that sent me on my journey, because I realized bottom line was I was the common denominator in my unhappiness, which meant I was the common denominator in my happiness, and I just needed to learn the skills that I wasn't taught by my perfectly imperfect parents.

Speaker 1: 2:11

So I first went to Mason George Mason and finished my degree and realized that I was actually smart. I won an award from the economics department In 2019, I was named one of the seven women of Mason, so that was kind of the first line in the sand. I was like, wow, I'm smart, I'm not stupid. And then it was therapy, it was workshops, it was we didn't have podcasts back then, you know. So it was like what books can I read? If there was something that said if you want to be a better blank, either read it or sign up here. So I would either read it or I would sign up there. And it eventually took me to the Barbara Brennan School of Healing, which is the only four-year baccalaureate program for energy science in the world, and that's where I learned the life and relationship skills that I teach my clients.

Speaker 2: 3:10

Awesome, yeah, yeah. In terms of life and relationship skills. What are the top three life and relationship skills that you believe every person should learn, but most of us are never taught.

Speaker 1: 3:22

Well, some of it's brain science too, right? So the top three are curiosity, the pause and request versus demand. Because our brains are hardwired to take in more negative than positive and because our brains are hardwired for us to be far more affected by the negative than the positive. So our brains negate, minimize the positive things that happen because those things aren't going to kill us. Our brain's number one job is to keep us alive, right, so it's hyper-focused on the negative. And because our brains I call them the matrix right? They love data, love, love, love.

Speaker 1: 4:03

Have you ever heard of the study that says, within the first seven seconds of meeting someone, you have already and they've done the same for you already made all kinds of creative assumptions about you? Yeah, and judgments, yeah, it's true. It's because our brains, from the time that we are born, collect data Every person that we've met, every experience that we've had. It's in there. So when we meet someone, within the first seven seconds, I have to know are you friend or foe, should I stay or should I run? So it takes all the data, right, and it spits out this is all about this person. But that's not true. It's old data about other people, not you. I don't know you in seven seconds. You don't know me. We're complicated, right, we don't know them in seven seconds. But so our brains help us lose the ability to be curious over time. You know little kids how curious they are. Mom, why is the grass green? I mean, I lied to my children, I'm honest. I lied when they would ask me questions I didn't have answers to. I'm like I would just make stuff up. They're curious because their brains didn't have the data. So, especially when you're 63, my age our brains have so much data that it can convince us that these judgments and assumptions are fact. When, really, just when we're curious? Right, we can use those assumptions and judgments as questions, right, to see if that data is correct. But if we don't understand how our brains work, then we just take those assumptions and judgments and we just run with them and that's when we get into trouble. So that's curiosity. So if we can be more curious, you know when your spouse gives you that look or that tone or. But what if we were like okay, I think I know what that means, but it's not really what it means in this moment, because we can get in trouble for just making an assumption about that tone or that. Look right.

Speaker 1: 6:08

So, being curious, the pause is probably for me one of the hardest. I had an astrologer once tell me that I came out of the womb being curious, which is true, I'm so curious. But the pause is very difficult for me because I'm a doer. I do everything quickly. I speak quickly, I act quickly, I go shopping quickly, Like I drive too quickly. I was on the Virginia driver's improvement program. I drive too quickly. I was on the Virginia Driver's Improvement Program.

Speaker 1: 6:37

So the pause is necessary to make any change in your life. We are in the subconscious part of our brain 95% of the time. So that means when something happens, we react. We have an immediate knee-jerk reaction, right. So whatever made you happy a year ago, 10 years ago, 15 years ago, makes you happy today. But the why of why you react, why you have the emotions that you have, why you have even those knee-jerk physical reactions, is sitting in our subconscious. We don't consciously know why we're doing it. So to make any change in how we show up in our life, we have to pause and allow that knee-jerk reaction, allow those emotions, allow those physical feelings. And then is this how I want to show up right now. Does this really have to make me angry? Okay, I'm happy now, but do I have to like, squeal like a pig and a little kid and jump around? And you know what I mean. So the pause is essential for you to reflect, enjoy, make thoughtful responses rather than initial knee-jerk reactions.

Speaker 1: 7:56

And then the last thing everyone should know, which is probably the most difficult for most people, because you have to release. Control is request versus demand. I can request things from you, but you have the right to say no. Not little children, that's different, right, but when we're in an adult relationship, we should all have the right to say no. I want the right to say no, and if I want the right to say no, I have to give you the right to say no. But then what happens is typically because we have this thing called disappointment, and I did it to my kids. Don't you disappoint me? Like don't, don't you disappoint me? So we don't like to disappoint other people, we don't like to be disappointed, and so if someone says no to us, we punish them. We either put up a wall, we get angry, we yell or we go silent.

Speaker 2: 8:51

I hate that one. I know me too.

Speaker 1: 8:53

That's the worst one, the worst one. I would rather they yell at me. The thing is like yell at me, keep talking, like keep talking, so yeah. So request versus demand and releasing control. But we all have that inner control, gremlin. So yeah, those are the three.

Speaker 2: 9:09

Yeah, well, I definitely. I mean, I resonate with all of them. That's great insight because it makes sense. I'm like sitting here and I'm like, oh my gosh, yeah, that's what everyone's going to be thinking as they're listening. I hope so. Yeah, what is one relationship skill that someone could start practicing today that would immediately make their connections at home or work stronger?

Speaker 1: 9:38

Any of those three? Any of those three, any of those three? Yeah, start being curious. Be curious about you.

Speaker 1: 9:44

If you understand that most of why you do what you do is sitting in the subconscious and you don't even know what it is, it could be your mother's. I mean. If someone, if anyone, has ever said to you, oh my God, you're turning into your mother, that should be a red flag, right. Like that means I'm doing things, like I like some of the things my mother taught me. There are things that I don't mind if people say, oh, you're showing up just like your mother. I'm like good, that means I'm smart or that means I'm bold. But there are some things I like about my mother, right, I mean, we're all good people with bad habits. My mom had bad habits. I might've taken on some of my mother's bad habits. Those might be sitting in my subconscious and I don't even realize I'm doing it. So red flags, you know, it's just like be curious. Be curious about you. Be curious about the person that's sitting across from you. Be curious about the person that you've been with for 10 years. Be curious, that's my favorite one, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2: 10:42

I love that curiosity and I try to remind myself, to always keep in mind the way that I viewed the world as a kid. You kind of talked about that because there is such a like openness and joyful curiosity that kids have and sometimes I just I catch myself. I catch myself jumping to certain thought patterns and that's something I've tried to, you know, implement in my life, like the past I don't even know, maybe 10 or so years since like I started going to therapy and things like that it's like.

Speaker 2: 11:15

first of all, where's the evidence to support this? And just kind of being more open and curious to everyone and everything.

Speaker 1: 11:22

Nice Trying to understand.

Speaker 2: 11:23

Yeah, I think too that the.

Speaker 1: 11:27

It's like my first year in therapy. I think my cognitive therapist could have just like back then we had tape recordings, you know where you push the button right so she could have just like left the tape recorder in the room and pushed the button and it would have been the same conversation over and over, because I would say A happened, then B happened, so C is how I reacted, because A and B happened. So these were the, these were the my conclusions, and this is why I reacted this way and B happened. So these were my conclusions and this is why I reacted this way. And she would go. But, cindy, don't you think that there could have been another conclusion that you could have made from that situation? And I'd look at her and go, you're not listening to me.

Speaker 1: 12:10

A happened, so B happened, so I reacted like C happened, so B happened, so I reacted like C and she would go Cindy, is there another? And I'm like explain. So I would make her explain, and so she would give me all these other conclusions that I could have come up with, and it took about a year for it to finally sink in. I'm a little slow sometimes and I'm like you know what my reality might not be, the reality of what really happened. Were they really thinking these things? Was this really their intention? And being curious, right Going? Oh, this is what I assume happened, but this might not be the reality. And I really think if more people could question their own reality, question their own beliefs, question their reasons for why they react a certain way or feel the way they feel, that it could change just so many things in their life.

Speaker 2: 13:16

I agree, but I think it's difficult. It's difficult to take that step back, and I think for a lot of people it almost takes a major life event or something, because we get so stuck in our ways and the day-to-day is so busy, we're all so stressed out, we're all like working jobs and juggling kids, all these things, so it's hard to break out of your belief system that you've stuck to for so long.

Speaker 1: 13:39

And the way. Yeah, we're on autopilot most of the time. That's why A happens, so B happens, so therefore C.

Speaker 2: 13:46

And it's comfortable to just stay in that, even though it might not benefit us at all.

Speaker 1: 13:51

Yeah, yeah I always say we do what we've always done like we. We do what we've been taught, so right. So the way we show up in relationship is the way that we were taught to show up in relationship, and it's not until we realize that that doesn't work for us and unfortunately, as human beings, sometimes we need to be smacked on the back of the head with a two by four right and to kind of go, oh, this hurts, like I don't like this hurts, so how can I make sure this doesn't happen again?

Speaker 2: 14:19

Yeah, I wanted to touch on the Harvard Study of Adult Development. This shows relationships are the number one predictor of long-term health and happiness. What does that mean for how we should live our day-to-day lives?

Speaker 1: 14:34

Oh, how long is this podcast? Oh, my goodness. So I was an award-winning graduate of George Mason University, economics major. I didn't normally like math, but I love statistics.

Speaker 1: 14:52

The study is a unicorn. The study is. If I could scream it. I live on the side of a mountain in a cabin. If I could stand with a foghorn or something and scream out the results of this study, I would absolutely do it, because it says everything that I know and it says basically that if you want long-term happiness and health, you need to have heart-centered relationships. We spend so much time holding everyone else who holds us.

Speaker 1: 15:32

My father was an incredible man and he was exceptional in so many ways, but he only lived from his brain. He didn't live from his heart. He couldn't let people in, for whatever reason, and the people that he loved the most. He couldn't give them what they needed, which was his heart, his acceptance, his compassion, his love. And he died alone and, per this study, 10 years before he died, his brain started to disintegrate.

Speaker 1: 16:15

The study, which, again, is a unicorn. Most studies only last 10 years. The study is going on its 85th year. The end size, which is the number of participants If you can get 100 people as participants. You can then say, well, most likely these results can be replicated in a population. They're closing in on 1,000 participants in this study and it says very clearly you want brain health? Then have relationships where you are vulnerable, where you can trust, where you can be authentic, you can tell your greatest secrets to and these people will hold you and you will have better brain health, better body health.

Speaker 1: 17:02

The study shows that when you are alone and you are lonely, what it does to your physical body is the same thing as smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. By being alone, they can tell now, when you're 50 years old, how healthy you will be at 70 and 80 years old. Not by your genetics, not by your blood pressure, not by your blood, not by your blood pressure, not by your blood. But how much do you give and are given by your relationships? People need to wake the F up.

Speaker 1: 17:43

I know we go home tired. I know we just want our families to accept us. I know I know how go home tired. I know we just want our families to accept us. I know I know how hard it is to like then have to give more when you get home. I know you have a weekend off and you just want to go be alone when you die.

Speaker 1: 18:13

You got to give your family what they need. You got to give them your time, your energy, your heart. You've got to give them trust. You've got to be reliable. You've got to do what you say you're going to do. You've got to trust them. Tell them your greatest secrets. You've got to love them the way you want to be loved. It's mind-blowing. Wow, I know it's crazy, right, yeah, and the information came out by the fourth director of the Harvard study and it's also called sometimes the Harvard study of happiness and health, and he came out nine years ago, did a TED talk. Very few people are talking about it today.

Speaker 1: 19:01

I was in the fitness industry for over 20 years, for over two decades. Do you know how many people? You know how you should eat right? Yeah, yeah, you know what you should and shouldn't put in should eat right, yeah, yeah, you know what you should and shouldn't put in your body, right, yeah, you know how much you should be working out right? Do you do it? No, most people don't. Why, why? Why don't we? Right, if I were to just come in here and just go? Oh, yeah. Well, the Harvard study just says da-da-da-da-da-da. So everybody needs to da-da-da-da-da-da-da, people don't. But when I tell you about my dad and how he was a good man but he just didn't do what he needed to do to make sure that he didn't die alone, it's a different story and I could tell you a lot more. It's not that I have daddy issues well, I kind of do.

Speaker 2: 19:58

But a lot of women do.

Speaker 1: 20:00

But I can tell you clients, clients after clients that have the same and struggle with the same issues. It's hard. Relationship is hard. It's where we behave our best and our worst. It's where we show our warts. It's hard. It takes a lot of work. And when we work all day and then have kids to take care of and give our love and energy to, and then have kids to take care of and give our love and energy to, and then it's just easy to just sit on the couch and not speak, watch TV, scroll on our phones, yeah, those are opportunities, people. Opportunities to get real. You don't have to spend hours and hours each day. But how about our relationship with ourself? We can't be honest with people if we're not honest with ourself. We can't trust people if we don't trust ourself and we can't love people if we don't love ourself. So happiness begins and ends with you. It's complicated, right?

Speaker 2: 21:01

It is. It is, yeah. That study, though, is so fascinating, I'll have to dive further into it. Because that study, though, is so fascinating, I'll have to dive further into it, because, I mean, it makes so much sense. There are so many people that I've observed in my life who you know whether it's like grandparents or grandparents of you know, friends, who are parents of friends who kind of go through life in a similar way, like they work all day, they're very, they go through life with their head, but not with their heart, and they don't connect they don't connect deeper, because they're either so tired or they just Closed off.

Speaker 2: 21:36

Yeah, they just want to remain that way. Or maybe they don't want to, but it's easier.

Speaker 1: 21:42

It is easier. There's a saying that was told to me once that I say all the time it's easy decisions make a difficult life and difficult decisions make an easier life. And if I give you my heart and you stomp on it, yeah, it's taking a huge risk. It's a huge risk, but what's the reward? And the problem is is that the reward comes a long time from now and we want the rewards now.

Speaker 2: 22:13

Especially nowadays. I know so, it's difficult, but it's worth it.

Speaker 1: 22:16

it's so worth it. Yeah, my father's greatest fear was that he would die alone, and he created his greatest fear. Yeah, yeah, it was sad I'm so sorry.

Speaker 2: 22:24

Yeah, none of us want to be in that position, but it's hard. I think for a lot of people it's just hard to take that first step towards living a more heart-centered life and having better relationships.

Speaker 1: 22:39

And working on those relationships, you know, making sure you stay connected. So the top five of the top five regrets of the dying. Three of those five are about relationships. One is I wish I had said I love you more. How much effort and time does that take? Two seconds Even to text it, I love you. Another was they wish they had spent more time with their family. And the third was wait, wait, wait. The third was I wish I had stayed connected with my best friends. Top three we're all about relationship.

Speaker 1: 23:17

This is what the Harvard study is showing and not just showing. It's like, it's concrete. Like you can't even argue with. Like if you understand statistics and economics you can't even argue with. Like if you understand statistics and economics, you can't even argue with the results of the study. And you know, if you read the articles and whatever, the directors of the study had no idea how the study was going to end up 75 years later, 85 years later. Like they didn't think that we were going to be talking about empathy and heart and stuff like that.

Speaker 1: 23:48

And being in the fitness industry for over 20 years, I'm like well, genetics, that's going to determine how healthy you are from 50 to 70, or your blood pressure, your cholesterol, your blood work. That's what's going to determine and that really threw me for a loop. That was really interesting for me. Yeah, that it wasn't. That it's like oh, genetics, really not. You mean, just because my father had frontal temporal dementia, that I don't have to have it, that I could actually just open my heart more to the people that I love and I might not have frontal temporal dementia?

Speaker 2: 24:25

Who'd have thunk? Yeah, it makes me think about all these conversations that I've heard recently about kind of breaking like generational patterns of trauma. Thank you, it is possible and you've really shown that and that's amazing. So thank you, thank you I wanted to touch on kind of your personal story. You lived in one house with your ex, your then boyfriend, now husband, your kids and your ex's fiance. Not only did you survive, you thrived.

Speaker 1: 24:55

Well, this is the power of those, the skills, right, the life and relationship skills that I teach my clients and the things we didn't learn from our parents. And these skills are so powerful how to have healthy boundaries, how to speak with your heart, how to have healthy conflict, how to have house rules, how to request and not demand, how to I mean the spectrum right. My ex, who wasn't yet my ex, and I were separated. He had a construction company that basically did retail and commercial construction. We were heavily invested in real estate both of those things tanking completely. We had a huge home in Fairfax on five acres that we couldn't sell and we all came together to save each other and the only way to do that was to use all of these skills and to honor them.

Speaker 1: 26:01

And yeah, we all lived in the same house my ex, who wasn't my ex, my then boyfriend, who is now my husband, my kids, and then my ex, who wasn't my ex's fiance, moved in last and, yeah, that was, she's not his fiance anymore, anyway. So, but yeah, we used literally we used all the skills that I teach and that's how powerful. I mean we didn't kill each other. In fact, my ex and my husband are friends my ex and I are still friends Like it actually gave us a situation where not only did we put our kids and their emotional and mental health ahead of everything else, they did call us on it once. Yeah, because we had family. We had a rule about anybody could call a family meeting and my kids actually called a family meeting and they said Mom, dad, you think you're being funny, but you're being mean to each other and you need to stop it. And I'm like whoop.

Speaker 2: 27:01

Yeah, you were a little bit proud though.

Speaker 1: 27:03

I was very proud.

Speaker 2: 27:03

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 27:22

I was very proud.

Speaker 2: 27:22

Yeah, you know, you think you're getting away with it.

Speaker 2: 27:23

You know the little digs here, the little digs there. I mean they're becoming your ex for a reason. But yeah, these skills are powerful. These skills can take you through situations that you didn't know that you could actually live through without killing somebody and ending up in jail. You know what? I would trust you. I think that's amazing. You've created some courses to help people master these skills that you talked about on their own. What transformations do your students typically experience when they go through your program?

Speaker 1: 27:41

So people can by the courses themselves. One is happiness as a verb, because happiness takes work, and the other is lessons of life, love and trust, and it's all about learning how to love yourself more and trust yourself more so that you can love others more and trust others more. And they can do those alone or they can do those with me with one-on-one coaching, and typically within a year their lives are completely transformed. It's pretty amazing to watch. I mean, the skills are simple, but they're not easy. The work takes work, but not the kind of work that, like when you were in school, you're writing essays or giving reports. No, it's more of. Here's a concept like curiosity. Now I want you to use it this way, this way, this way, and start practicing, using it in your life. And then we, okay, well, here's another skill, now here's the pause. I want you to use it this way, and then, when I do one-on-one coaching with them, we're really tackling the challenges and the obstacles that are in their life, in their unique life. In that moment, that are the largest obstacles for them. And so I came up with the programs because there were some people that were really good at the pause, so I didn't have to really go over the pause, but they might really stink at curiosity, and so we would like dive into curiosity. And then I really realized that all of these skills they learn nine really stink at curiosity. And so we would like dive into curiosity. And then I really realized that all of these skills they learn nine skills in 12 months that everyone can benefit from all of the skills, even if it's not their major obstacle, that's in their path.

Speaker 1: 29:23

So, yeah, I have them on. It's called Thinkific. I just changed to this really new cool course program. Yeah, thinkific, thank you, changed to this really new cool course program. Yeah, Thinkific. Thank you, chatgbt, for finding that software for me. And so they can do it on their own or they can hire me, and when they hire me they get the program as well, so that they get me in like three different ways one-on-one coaching. All of the two courses are done via professional video and they have exercises in them as well. So, and they can like write me notes and emails and stuff and give me feedback on how they're doing in the course, and so they get me like three different ways and yeah, it's cool, it's fun.

Speaker 2: 30:06

That's amazing. Yeah, I love that. I need that.

Speaker 1: 30:10

I think I have space for you. We can make some space for you.

Speaker 2: 30:14

Was there anything else that I didn't touch on that you'd like to share with us today?

Speaker 1: 30:19

I have some free guides that people can get. They can contact me at cindybottino at gmailcom or they can go to my website. I think you're going to put all that up, right? Yeah, so you can go to my website and they're there. But yeah, they can email me and I can send them. But there are two. There's one for individuals. It's called from fine. I hate the word fine unless it comes before diamond, a fine diamond.

Speaker 1: 30:43

And actually I have a horse and his name is fine diamond, and I didn't even give him his name, that was his racing name. Yeah, it was pretty funny, yeah, so I hate the word fine. How are you fine? I hate that. But so it's from fine to full hearted. And then that's for individuals and then for couples. It's three skills every healthy couple should know, but we're never taught.

Speaker 2: 31:03

Yeah, second one sounds very helpful too.

Speaker 1: 31:06

Yeah, and then I have one for. I have one for like 1999 for couples and it's like basically all of like the subconscious minefields of relationship that it's like you know, when you do things on purpose, like you throw up a wall or you give digs or you like, you just get mean or whatever it is Right. But there are things that we don't even know that we're doing, that we do in relationship with our spouse, that can really be minefields for us and are harder to figure out.

Speaker 2: 31:32

Yeah, lots to uncover and lots to be curious about. Well, thank you, sydney, so much for coming in and making the time to talk about everything that you do and your journey. I know that our audience is going to be so fascinated by this conversation and so interested in the guides as well, so thank you so much again.

Speaker 1: 31:50

Thank you. Thank you for taking the time.