Speaker 1: 0:30

My name is Reba Kareen Thomas and I am the founder and CEO at Sexpert Consultants, and we're a company that's geared toward bridging the gap in adult sexual health education from a pleasure positive lens for adults and for aspiring sexuality professionals.

Speaker 2: 0:48

Love it. And now can you share a bit about your journey into sex therapy and what inspired you to start Sexpert Consultants?

Speaker 1: 0:55

Yeah, so I have always been that friend who, like, has no filter, right? You want to talk to me about anything, I'm happy to talk. And so early on I found out that like sex and like intimacy was not a thing that people really like to talk about Um, but I didn't have a problem with it. And so I kind of like started out um selling pleasure products um in college, as like a side hustle, if you will, and one of those companies that I was working with offered a certification in um, sexual health promotion, and that was the very first like foray into sexual health education that I had, and I learned about my body and like all of these things that I knew none of my friends knew, and so I was like, ok, let me share this, but also like, how do I share this with the world, not just my little friend group, right? And so I started creating these like fun classes that would position these products in a way that also taught people like about themselves and their body and their pleasure, but also helped me make a little money on the side. And so that company ended up being bought out by another company and I discovered that I really, really liked teaching sex ed. And so I just continued getting educated.

Speaker 1: 2:09

I became a member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, counselors and Therapists, and I decided that, like you know, I was teaching these classes and it was really fun and I lost my nonprofit job. I was like doing nonprofit development, like and moonlighting as a sexuality educator. And when I lost my job, I got laid off. My partner was like you know what? You could find another nonprofit job or you could like really see what this business does. And so I went full steam ahead into my business.

Speaker 1: 2:46

I put together a board of advisors, my sexual health education advisory board, and we put together four workshops, if you will like, our signature workshops um the curriculum that the people on our board wanted people to know, like I had, um you know, sexual medicine doctors, gynecologists, pelvic floor therapists, um licensed marriage and family therapists all of the things that, um, they wanted their clients to kind of know before they walk in the door, was what I wanted, what we wanted to teach, and so we created these workshops, and that was back in 2018 when I went full time. And here we are, 2025. I've been doing this work. Actually, 2015 is when I started, like you know, started selling pleasure products and getting my credentials, but 2018 is when I went full time into doing this work for myself and now we teach other people to teach the curriculum that we developed, and we have a network, a membership of over 400 folks who come into our space to either learn or to teach, and we teach mostly online but we do in person now and so so I got into this work.

Speaker 1: 4:03

I got into sex education kind of by I kind of fell into it, yeah and I. But I love my job and I love what I do and I want to be clear I am not a therapist.

Speaker 2: 4:15

Yes, let's clear that yeah.

Speaker 1: 4:17

I am a sex educator and an intimacy coach and so I really meet people kind of wherever they are in their knowledge about their bodies and their confidence in themselves.

Speaker 2: 4:26

And I just you know, I try to help.

Speaker 1: 4:30

yeah, help. Empower them to be free and to find their pleasure and to do what brings them joy.

Speaker 2: 4:35

Yeah, yeah, I love that. Thank you. And then let's see. Sexpert Consultants is a growing practice. Yes, what challenges have you faced in building and leading a business in this field?

Speaker 1: 4:47

Ooh, okay, so I think one of the biggest challenges that we face as a business is stigma. Um, challenges that we face as a business is stigma, right, the taboo of talking about sex, um, and talking about pleasure and using evidence and facts based information. Um, there's a lot of folks who are, who are scared by that, right, and they kind of project their own insecurities onto, like, this work that we do, um, and so that's the one thing. It's like kind of reaching people around, that stigma.

Speaker 1: 5:20

But I think the second thing is censorship. Yeah, right, like, we can't advertise on traditional, like Facebook, instagram, uh, we can do Twitter, but but that's probably going to end soon too, right, um, and so so we can't advertise, right, and, and because we can't talk about sex and pleasure, we can't advertise our work, and so it's hard to get the word out about what we do and how we do it, and so we have to be a little creative, right, like, we have to find podcasts and we have to, um, you know, get earned media, so, like, you know, being quoted in magazines and newspapers, and that's really how we get the word out about what we do.

Speaker 2: 6:02

That's awesome. Yeah, I'm not going to lie, I was just like, not that I had any stigma of it, it was more just like man, I hope that I can like ask good questions, cause I'm not like I'm going to be talking to a sex for it and I am am not a sex expertise. So I was just I'm just like what am I going to ask? I just made sure that I had good questions, but I was just like I hope I can bring something to the table. That was my only thing, cause I haven't talked to anyone about this. Most people don't, right?

Speaker 1: 6:27

And I think that's the that's. That's the good and the bad thing about what I do. It's very unique, right. You aren't going to find a lot of professionals in a professional setting who are like hey, I talked to people about their sex lives, um. But also there's the business of it, right, there's the teaching other people not only how to like teach these classes, but also how to build a business around this and how to have the tough skin for the people who are like Ooh, what is it that you do? Because what you'll find is like the people who are the most like, ew, you do. What Are the ones who are asking you the most questions, right? Who are like well, and then, well, what about this? And what do you think about this and this and this? And it's like yes, okay, I know what's happening here. You know there's a lot of. Again, the stigma causes people to not really be able to say the things that they want, but when they meet a person like me, they're like oh, you'll answer any of my questions, okay.

Speaker 2: 7:18

Yeah, here we go.

Speaker 1: 7:20

So I mean, I'm I'm very popular at cocktail parties.

Speaker 2: 7:24

I'm sure, yeah, and they're like you're the go-to girl. They're like let me go to her. I have a million questions. Yes, yeah, all right. And then what are some of the most common intimacy related challenges that clients bring to you, and how do you help them work through those issues?

Speaker 1: 7:37

One of the biggest challenges that people come to me with is their ability to communicate right. It's really hard to talk about sex right If you weren't taught about it. If you didn't really have the environment in your house or in your family or growing up where talking about it was comfortable or even felt safe, then it's hard to find the words right. Didn't really have the environment in your house or in your family or growing up where talking about it was comfortable or even felt safe, then it's hard to find the words right. It's hard to say I want this, you know I need you to do this, please stop doing that Right. And there's a lot of vulnerability that comes with that right, a lot of big feelings that come into play when we start to talk to our partners about our intimacy and what we like and what we don't and so um. So I try to create a safe space, a brave space, if you will Um, one where you know we kind of invite in fun so that it doesn't feel like such a serious and heavy conversation.

Speaker 2: 8:29

Right.

Speaker 1: 8:30

Um, so yes, one of the biggest things that people come to see me about is communication. I think the second thing is stress. Right, there's a lot of stress and overwhelm that creates obstacles to pleasure and obstacles to being intimate with partners, and so one of the things that I often find myself doing is helping couples navigate and understand how stress is impacting their relationship and then intentionally focus on pleasure right and relaxation so that we can combat that, um, you know, the stress that they're experiencing and which, I think, brings me to the like. Final thing that I think I address the most is self-care. Right, like when we're feeling burnout, when we're feeling outside of our bodies, pleasure and sex is the first thing to suffer, and so I often find myself talking about how do we take care of ourselves, how do we take care of our bodies and our minds such that we are still available and excited and ready for pleasure? Absolutely.

Speaker 2: 9:34

Yeah, and then many people assume that sex therapy is only for couples in crisis. How does it benefit individuals and couples at any stage of their relationship? Such a good question.

Speaker 1: 9:46

So so, yes, people think, oh, sex, sex coaching, sex therapy is like, oh, you've got to have a problem in your sex life. But one of the two of the most impactful ways that people show up, um, at sexpert consultants is one if they've just been in a breakup, right, or they're dating someone new and it's like, you know, I've got these, you know, hangups about this thing and I want to learn these skills, Um, that's the best time to kind of reach someone, right. So they're, they're single, they're, they're trying to, you know, feel empowered in the bedroom, and so they come to us for, like, skills enhancement, if you will. And then the other is I have a bunch of couples who come to us just kind of like a regular check in, right, like to keep that intentionality and that focus on pleasure.

Speaker 1: 10:37

And so there's a workshop that we do called couples pleasure mapping, and in that session the couples come together and they just think about their ideal pleasure experience, right, and we create a visual representation of that and I facilitate a conversation around that. It's kind of like playing with blocks, yeah, I feel. Sometimes I feel like the feel like a kindergarten teacher, but for adults, right. And so, yeah, I think that it's not just when you're in crisis. I think that if you are finding yourself in a space where you're feeling disconnected from your pleasure, whether you are in relationship or not that's when you want to come see someone like us, or people like us.

Speaker 2: 11:18

Yeah, got it. No, that's good to know, cause a lot of people are just like I'm not in a crisis, I don't even go. It's like darling, it's not only for a crisis, okay.

Speaker 1: 11:25

And, to be fair, sometimes it's not a crisis for folks who aren't experiencing the negative end of pleasure, right? So if I'm a person who, every time I'm intimate with my partner, I feel great, but my partner doesn't, then it's fine for me, right. But my partner is like, ah, I'm in crisis here and so so yeah, no, that is, that is great Cause.

Speaker 2: 11:48

Oftentimes you're just like, well, everything's good. It's like, no, it's not, we didn't talk about that part. Yeah Right, yeah, exactly. And then how do cultural and societal norms influence people's perceptions of intimacy and how do you help clients navigate those influences?

Speaker 1: 12:04

Oh, such a great question. You've got some good questions.

Speaker 2: 12:07

You see, that's why I was like, let me bring something good to the table here.

Speaker 1: 12:10

Yeah, so, um, so the again going back to that stigma, sexual stigma is different culturally, right? Obviously, here in America we have a lot of sexual stigma, but in other countries the stigma is a lot higher, right? Yeah, when you mix that in with society's expectations, you mix that in with our family and familial upbringing, you mix that in with our religious or spiritual background and all of the messages that we get from the media and from morality, right, good girls do these things, good people do these things right. Right, good girls do these things, good people do these things right. So all of those messages impact the way that we see our bodies and the way we view our pleasure and the way we view sex. And so the way that we try to address that is by unpacking them right, shining a light on all of the different ways.

Speaker 1: 13:14

I call it the three. Ms Emily Nagoski, who wrote a wonderful book called Come as you Are, she messages these influences as the three Ms Morality, medicine and media. Right, these are the ways that culturally, societally, we are affected by these stigmas. Right, these kind of standards of what are considered normal or appropriate, if you will. And so when we start to unpack all of the ways that these messages have impacted our pleasure. Then we can really get to the root of what our lived experience is and what feels good for us going forward, so love it.

Speaker 2: 14:00

Yeah, thank you. What are some signs that someone might benefit from working with a sex consultant rather than just relying on self-help resources?

Speaker 1: 14:10

Yes, okay. So if you find yourself in that same pattern of, you know, being disconnected from your pleasure, you know, reading the books, trying the things and still not really getting anywhere pleasure, if you're feeling powerless, if you're feeling a little hopeless when it comes to intimacy and sexual pleasure, that's the time to reach out to someone who can help. I think the books and the podcasts and the media that's out there can be helpful to an extent, but when you have someone who's kind of pushing you and maybe holding you accountable and giving you access to resources that you may not have known about, that's really where we come in. We're the folks who just give you a little extra push, a little extra nudge.

Speaker 2: 15:05

Help you stay accountable. Yeah, exactly, I love it, and we had mentioned and talked a little bit about how it's about communication and that it's so important. I'd like to ask how is communication key in any relationship? What strategies do you recommend for partners to openly discuss their desires, boundaries and concerns?

Speaker 1: 15:24

Yes, okay. So communication is key, like you said, in any relationship, but especially when it comes to sexual pleasure relationship, but especially when it comes to sexual pleasure. And the more we communicate about what we like, what we don't like, what feels good, what doesn't feel good, the more we can find those places of overlap right when our yeses and maybes are like Ooh, let's explore this thing, Right, um. With that said, one of the tools that we use um in our practice for helping people communicate what they like and what they don't is starting with your own inventory right, taking inventory for yourself. We use, yes, no, maybe lists, or um, my colleagues call them, will want, won't lists? Right? Where you kind of think about okay, what are you willing to do, what do you want to do and what will you not do? Right? And so that is how you can start to understand where your boundaries are right, and the more you can understand yourself and what you want for yourself, the better you can communicate those boundaries.

Speaker 2: 16:38

Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1: 16:39

So I love starting with self-inventory yes, no, maybe, and then we take those lists and we help facilitate these conversations. Right, we help look at OK, where are the yeses, where are the maybes and where do you guys have overlap, because those are places that are ripe for exploration. I think we live in a world where there's a lot of no, no, you can't do this, no, you can't do that. And so I love to help people individuals, couples, groups explore yes, right, and I think the yes, no, maybe lists help us understand that and help draw boundaries around for us. What feels good, yes, yeah.

Speaker 2: 17:21

Yeah, no, there's just so much too, because everybody is different, right, and it's just like meeting that common ground. So I'm glad that they have consultants now that they can talk to and help them meet that middle ground for everybody.

Speaker 1: 17:34

Yes, yes, it's so important, and we don't really consider how much our sexual health impacts our mental health. Our mental health is our brain is the biggest sexual organ in our body, wow, right. And so when our brain is not connected to our pleasure, if it's off, if we're experiencing some kind of like you know, mental unwell, right, then sex again is one of the first things to go, right, our sexual pleasure is one of the first things to suffer. And so, um, when we have a healthy sex life with ourselves and or with a partner, um, that can also help with our mental health, right? All of those endorphins that we feel when we're sexually satisfied, or sexually pleased, or even just sexually stimulated, those help increase our mental and physical health, right. So we've got all of those endorphins and those feel good hormones that boost our mood and make us feel good and inside of our bodies, and that's necessary.

Speaker 1: 18:38

And I think you know the stigma keeps us from talking about these things and it keeps us from exploring these things for ourselves until, you know, we're in crisis. And so if there's one like piece of advice that I could give, it's don't wait until you're in crisis to come see someone about. What does your pleasure look like. Am I in tune with my body? What does it mean to feel good?

Speaker 2: 19:04

Yeah, great words of wisdom right there. What role does self-image and confidence play in intimacy, and how can people develop a healthier relationship with themselves?

Speaker 1: 19:14

Yes, that's a great question. So confidence, when we think about sexiness and we think about sensuality, confidence plays a huge role in how we show up as our sensual selves. A lot of the work that I do around educating folks is meant to give them that confidence in the bedroom. When we don't know things, we can feel less confident. So the more we know, the more confident we feel, the more confident we can show up in our sexy spaces.

Speaker 1: 19:46

And so, yes, self-image plays a big part in the way that we show up in the bedroom, from the way that we look at our bodies to the way that we view ourselves, to the way, the worthiness that we feel around, whether or not we are worthy of pleasure.

Speaker 1: 20:02

All of those things show up, whether we want to admit it or not, when we're in the bedroom because we're in such a vulnerable space.

Speaker 1: 20:13

And so you know if we're feeling bad about our bodies, if we are, you know, thinking negative thoughts about ourselves and our ability to feel pleasure and whether we're doing it right. It really disconnects us from what's happening in the moment, from the pleasure that we're experiencing, and so a lot of the work that we do, especially with individuals, is about kind of empowering them with the knowledge of their bodies, but also helping them think of the ways that they can care for themselves and start to build themselves up in these ways. Yes, and in it we talk about all of the ways that we have this kind of sexual signature sight, sound, taste, touch and smell um, and the ways that we are, um, that we're stimulated sensually, and so exploring the ways that we externally express ourselves through the senses and also the way that we're stimulated through the senses gives us a great insight into you know who we are, what we like and where we get our power.

Speaker 2: 21:18

Yeah, wow, so many things that I'm just like wait what? No, that makes sense actually. But yeah, no, this is why you're here, giving us all the knowledge that maybe we're just like wait what? Okay, maybe I need to talk to her, cause I don't, I didn't know about that. And then, in your experience, how does the lack of comprehensive sex education affect adults later in life?

Speaker 1: 21:41

Yeah, so exactly the reason why I started this company for adults specifically, is due to the that are in the U? S and abroad. Um, comprehensive sex ed standards are barely adhered to, if at all. Uh, and so that results in adults not knowing how their bodies work, not knowing how their pleasure works. Um, and even when we do address, you know, sex ed from a comprehensive lens in schools with children, we're not talking about pleasure, right? We're not talking about orgasms, we're not talking about, you know, climaxing, and so these are the things that adults need to know. And so I believe that if we start at the college level, right, if we ensure that also these adults, these young adults, are getting some sort of comprehensive sexuality education around consent, around pleasure, around agency and bodily autonomy, around sexual communication, I think that's going to help us all right.

Speaker 1: 22:54

But if we aren't going to formally do it in schools, again because of the stigma or the taboo, then we need more organizations like Sexpert Consultants right we need more people who are willing to kind of step up and be that peer educator to their communities, so that we can make sure that everybody's getting the education that they need, especially in these times when we're starting to see so much more restrictions. I mean, the way that we're able to teach sex ed already is restricted, but we're seeing even more restrictions and even more, even less access to educational resources that could be life-saving, and so it is important, now more than ever, for those folks who feel called to teach their communities about this work, to teach them about sex and pleasure, to find resources like Sexpert Consultants, where you can be trained and you can learn to come into these spaces without causing harm and still providing the education that your community so desperately needs.

Speaker 2: 24:01

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Do you also on that note, do you also work with organizations or educators on improving sexual health education?

Speaker 1: 24:08

Yeah, we do, we've um, we work to um spread the awareness that there isn't comprehensive sex ed. I think people believe that, you know, the children are fine, we don't need to teach them about these things. But, um, when we, when we start to correlate instances of sexual trauma to lack of sex sex education, then, um, you know, we can start to have more conversations about why sex ed is necessary, even if it's just talking about, like, how to talk about our bodies, so that if someone violates our consent or our agency, we can say plainly the words that, um, the parts that were violated, yeah Right, um, and so I, I do, we, so I've worked with Planned Parenthood and with SECUS, which I'm going to mess up that acronym Hold on Yep, secus, s-i-e-c-u-s, and it's the Sexuality Education Council of the United States.

Speaker 1: 25:11

And they are an advocacy group that helps to kind of advocate for more comprehensive sex ed standards in our schools and for the kids. And so I, you know I have my niche with pleasure and adults and fun, but I recognize that unless we all work together we won't be able to to really make an impact.

Speaker 2: 25:36

Yeah, no, absolutely Is. Is there anything perhaps that I have not touched on that you would like to share, in regards whether it's about yourself, your business, sex education, your industry?

Speaker 1: 25:47

Oh, yeah, I have one thing that I'd like to talk. Yeah, please do so. Um, back in 2023, we hosted my company hosted, uh, the Sexology Summit for Pleasure Professionals, and it was a two-day conference that convened bloggers in any way. Then those people were invited to kind of share, come and learn about, kind of um, how we can liberate ourselves through the power of education, especially around sexuality, uh, and we're doing it again in 2025. We'll be doing the sexology summit for pleasure professionals. Um, this fall, I'm very excited. Um, we are bringing back some of our old speakers, but we're bringing in some new faces too, and especially with the changing laws around reproductive rights and just our agency, trans rights.

Speaker 1: 27:13

Literally all sexual health and pleasure is under attack right now, and so this summit is meant to help us strategize. We've got two years until midterms and then two years until the end of the presidency, and so we've got to figure out how do we kind of keep the dream alive and keep the work going so that we're not deterred by the madness that's happening.

Speaker 2: 27:39

Yes, yes, oh man, there's so much I could say, but I just I'm not gonna. But, yes, no, yeah, powerful stuff, that's great. Where can people find more information if they want to attend this summit?

Speaker 1: 27:49

Yeah, so we will post all the information online at sexpertconsultantscom slash summit at sexpertconsultantscom slash summit, or you can follow us online at sexology underscore summit on Instagram Beautiful.

Speaker 2: 28:04

And then, if listeners could take one key message away from this conversation, what would you want that to be?

Speaker 1: 28:10

It would be to break the stigma. The one thing that is holding us all back from being able to talk about sex, from being able to access pleasure, from being able to normalize these kinds of conversations that we're having right now is the stigma. And if we can start to normalize conversations, even if it's just about sexual health and you know, did you get a mammogram or a pap smear? I think those are really important conversations to normalize within our friend groups, within our communities, within our safe spaces, so that we can continue to share knowledge and resources and stay empowered in our bodies and in our pleasure and in our ability to connect with each other around that?

Speaker 2: 29:00

Absolutely no. Well, thank you so much for being a guest today. I really appreciate it. A lot of insight and knowledge was given here, so thank you again. Thank you for having me Absolutely.