Speaker 1: 0:31

I am a high-performance executive coach. I do life coaching, high-performance coaching in a couple of different areas, so I specialize in a kind of an advanced form of forgiveness called radical forgiveness. It's kind of an adult version of forgiveness to make peace with the past. I believe that that's an essential element in enabling yourself to move forward into the future as your best self, to create the best opportunities to create your best self. So once we make peace with the past, then we can dive into developing the habits and skills through high-performance habits that I coach to individuals and groups and companies to help them improve their decision-making, improve their judgment and just grow.

Speaker 2: 1:28

Okay, I'd like to dive in more into the type of clients that you work with. I believe I read online that it's more for veterans, but anybody can see.

Speaker 1: 1:41

Yes, yes. So I became a coach in 2016. I was still full-time employed then with the military. I spent 30 years on active duty and did another 15 out of uniform for the military, and so that just becomes a natural kind of a go-to audience. I speak the language, I understand the culture, especially because 11 years after I retired from active duty, I was diagnosed with PTSD. Total surprise had no idea that I could be affected by that, even though I deployed over two dozen times over the course of my career. The military just doesn't screen you for it and we don't get trained for it, so I really stumbled on this mission, kind of by accident.

Speaker 1: 2:39

I teach my clients find a cause that's worth fighting for, and this became my cause worth fighting for because 11 years after I retired from active duty, learning that I had PTSD, that I had been living with PTSD for over 30 years, so while I was on active duty, never getting it, having it caught, I relied on the military medical system for my entire adult life and they never caught it.

Speaker 1: 3:10

And so that really got me wondering how many other veterans and even other people out there are walking around with unhealed trauma and it's affecting the quality of their life, the quality of their relationships, their career growth and really their overall health and well-being, and that became my cause. So I use my coaching skills to teach, kind of like trauma 101. I'm not a therapist, I'm a coach, and the difference really is that a therapist looks backwards to try to fix the past so that they're more prepared to go into the future. Well, I prepare people through coaching to go into the future. So I'm forward thinking. But I also recognize that you have to address some things from the past sometimes in order to go forward in the best possible way. So I really did stumble onto this. I knew that I wanted to coach, I wanted to use my leadership skills from my military service and this became a great mission to get myself involved in Wow, that is incredible.

Speaker 2: 4:17

I am kind of shocked that you were living your life like that and had no idea.

Speaker 1: 4:21

No idea.

Speaker 2: 4:23

What kind of resources would you say that you would give to somebody who doesn't even know that they have it? Like, how did you even find out? And you said you went to the military's medical program and they didn't catch it? That's kind of wild to me. Yeah, talk about that a little bit.

Speaker 1: 4:41

Well, you know, the military is all about being all you can be and the mission of the military is to win wars, and they place a very high emphasis on physical fitness. And, you know, the general belief is that through physical fitness we're mentally ready to do our mission, through training and team building and other kinds of activities and lots of exercising so I mean military exercises. But we don't spend a lot of time on our mental fitness and so that's where I believe, you know, there was kind of a gap and a lot of people are falling through that gap, I believe, and so I use that as my own experience to empathize with those veterans and their family members. Nobody talks about family members, but they're just as affected, if not more, by this. I coach them through understanding the basics of trauma.

Speaker 1: 5:47

There's so much stigma in our society around unhealed trauma and it's a set of fears and it's a set of stereotypes that really really put up walls and really inhibit the healing process.

Speaker 1: 6:02

But we've got to find a way to bring this very, very common issue it's more common than we probably realize out of the darkness and into the light, and that's really what my mission is about.

Speaker 1: 6:17

So, as I coach people. As I meet with company executives and other leaders around the community. I have trained myself and learned through various trainings how to spot it, how to make people aware of it and not to fear it and to start managing it, for example, in a company environment. We've got to acknowledge that there are employees that come to work each day with unhealed trauma, and the more leaders are aware of this, the more open I believe they would be to create an environment that is welcoming to them and lead in such a way so that, if there is ever an issue with an employee, that there are some mechanisms in place to handle it with the empathy and compassion that they're due. And by doing that, I believe, better results can come. And whether it's in a company environment or on an individual basis or even a family, I believe it works the same way.

Speaker 2: 7:32

I agree. I feel like we definitely need to implement some type of program or something where we can have more awareness on these things overall in mental health, because I feel like, yes, it's being talked about more, but I still feel like we have so much work to do with it.

Speaker 1: 7:48

Absolutely.

Speaker 2: 7:50

I know, in the past, when things weren't as forward a little bit more than they are now with awareness of mental health, I thought I was going through something. And no, actually I knew I was going through something and I told a family member and they were just like get over it or like that's not a thing, depression doesn't exist, and I just I wish that they had had that education, because it did not help my relationship with that person at all.

Speaker 1: 8:19

I believe that's absolutely essential. Just as we pay attention to our physical health and many of us pay attention to the food we eat, we really, really need to pay more attention and raise our awareness around our mental health, our mental fitness as well. That's where stigma comes from, and I promise the audience here and anyone I talk with, trauma is not something to fear. I love to say to people love your trauma because it's a part of you that you're kind of avoiding. The stigma in society around mental health kind of facilitates us, kind of pushing it away. We don't want to deal with it.

Speaker 1: 9:05

But look, I firmly believe that the mass shootings we're seeing in our country, especially these days, so many of them people who are mentally well, don't do those things.

Speaker 1: 9:18

People who believe in themselves, have a high level of confidence and are not struggling with their environment, they're not isolated from other people. They have strong connections with their family members, with their teammates at work, their colleagues at work, and they have a circle of friends who they can turn to to cheer them on, to support them, to listen to them. Those people who are blessed in that way don't do things like that, and so these are gifts, I believe, as terrible as that might sound, these events are really gifts. That to us to say we need to pay attention to what's going on here and change the way that we approach this whole topic and I believe we can really really change things significantly in our society by addressing our mental fitness. It starts with one person, and if I'm that person in this community, I love this mission. It's challenging, but the people I work, that I speak with, are so receptive to the idea and to learning more, and the more I can get the word out, I think the better for the community.

Speaker 2: 10:39

Yes, and can you tell me where people can find you the name if you have an Instagram what it is have a website what that is.

Speaker 1: 10:47

Yes, yes, so I'm at johnpauldelangcom J-O-N-P-A-U-L-D-E-L-A-N-G-Ecom that's my website, and I'm on Instagram and Facebook and LinkedIn same name and I would be happy more than happy to talk with anyone about this. As I'm sure you experienced with your experience, you know, sometimes all you need to do is talk with somebody. Yes, all you need to do is we all want to be seen, feel like we're seen and heard and accepted for who we are, and that's not asking a lot. Every individual deserves that, and that's how we form connections with other people and that's where it all begins. So I think that's a mission worth pursuing and I'm so glad that you are a part of it.

Speaker 2: 11:40

Oh, thank you. Thank you too. Can you tell me a little bit about yourself growing up Like? Who were you as a child.

Speaker 1: 11:48

Well, so I'm first generation American. My parents were immigrants, were migrants. My mother was a migrant after World War II. Both of my parents were children during World War II. My father grew up in Holland. My mother lived in Indonesia. She was born there. It was a Dutch colony before World War II. And so just imagine two kids at around eight years old. Germany invades Holland, japan invades Indonesia and they lose everything. They lose their homes, especially my mother. She lost their home, all their belongings. Her father became a POW. She never saw him again and they were put in a concentration camp. So she spent her childhood under those conditions where she struggled with disease and starvation and abuse physical, mental, emotional abuse. And my father lost family members back in Holland. He lost his father during the war. He saw terrible things happening there to people who hid the Jews from the German military, and that's a terrible way to start life as a child.

Speaker 2: 13:07

Yes, I can't even imagine that.

Speaker 1: 13:09

What a lot of people don't really understand and this is part of the awareness campaign that I'm advocating is that PTSD wasn't a thing, wasn't an official thing until 1980. And so my parents, when they grew up, there was no such thing as trauma. There was no such thing as trauma treatment. If it happened to anybody, it happened to a very, very select few people, all military. All of them would have had to see combat and engaged the enemy in some way, and so it was a very narrow idea of what it might be. If you don't have a way to receive a diagnosis and then get treatment for some of the things that you've experienced as a child whether it's abuse or neglect or dysfunction of some kind and I kind of categorize war under the column of dysfunction you have to live with what you've experienced, and the way people generally do that is to suppress their experiences. And so when I was born, my parents immigrated to the US. I was born. I was I like to say I was made in Holland but born in the US. You know, when I came, started to grow up, my parents needed, it was just natural for my parents to kind of push their unhealed trauma onto me. It affected their life. It affected their quality of life. It affected their ability to connect with others and to understand others and to respond to situations in a more or less a rational way. So I was on the receiving end of all of that. I don't blame them for it. I have a deep understanding of generational trauma now.

Speaker 1: 15:03

But you know, in 1980, finally, ptsd became an official diagnosis, an official issue, and I don't like the term PTSD. That's another aspect of it that turns people off. They believe it's a disorder and I don't believe it's a disorder. It's just a wound and we can heal from a wound. That's the good news about trauma. So, but I grew up in Cleveland, ohio, and I went to school just like everybody else, moved to New England and graduated from high school there, entered the army, and that's where I spent my entire adult life, up until now really. So yeah, that's kind of my short story.

Speaker 2: 15:48

No, thank you for sharing that. Before asking another question, I wanna go back to talking about your parents and you having an understanding that they went through stuff too and that it was not even a diagnosis till the 80s, 1980.

Speaker 2: 16:06

Man, because I feel like I have so much, not resentment, but like I can't forgive my parents and I don't think I have that understanding like you that I don't blame them, it's just a generational thing. How did you like weren't you hurt in any way, like so deeply that you just it hurt you not talking to them, and you just got to a point where you're just like no, I'm that it does not even matter to you anymore, like if some like talk to me about that Absolutely, and what you're describing is completely normal and it's in a sense, it's a consequence of not knowing enough about this.

Speaker 1: 16:50

Of course, I was upset. I was on the receiving end of abuse and neglect and dysfunction in my family. It was not a pleasant upbringing. I was beaten, I was emotionally abused and, thanks to the treatment that I have been getting since my diagnosis, it's completely turned around. But my whole perception of what trauma is and how it affects people has changed. Has really increased exponentially my compassion, for example, for my parents. Imagine walking around with a wound inside that no one can see and there's no diagnosis for it and you can't do anything about it. The suffering that they went through and it didn't start with my parents Generational trauma is generational.

Speaker 1: 17:48

It gets handed from one generation to the next as we experience life. If we don't deal with events that are traumatic to us, if we don't heal from that, then our body stores it and it keeps coming up again, reminding that it's there. Whenever we get triggered, our body, when we get triggered, that's our body talking to us, saying I need you to pay attention to me, there's something here that needs your attention, I need healing, but so little is understood about that in general society. So becoming numb to it, being angry about it, being resentful, is absolutely normal. I think I'm blessed because I knew that there was some disconnect there. I I got details from my mother about her time in a concentration camp and when I was a young teenager and I didn't really connect the dots then, but inside I had this knowing boy that must have really messed up your life and I had a little bit more compassion for her. But at the same time the abuse and the dysfunction was still in my face and it would be many years, it would be decades, until I actually dealt with it. So this is the benefit of raising awareness and really bringing trauma the topic of trauma and post-traumatic stress and unhealed trauma into the light to get people into treatment, because I am living proof. You know, for a long time PTSD kind of controlled my life. It directed my decision making, it influenced how I showed up in the world and dealt with people, interacted with people, and when I got triggered I got seriously triggered.

Speaker 1: 19:46

And when you get triggered and react instead of respond, that's all about self-protection, it's all about survival for a perceived threat out there, which is why becoming numb to a situation or having that anger or resentment is completely understandable, but you don't have to live with it. There is a way to dissolve it and if you are not living with trauma, with unhealed trauma, and just harbor anger and resentment because maybe a parent did, or a sibling or another family member experienced trauma, there is a way to deal with that and make peace with that, because really you're investing. When we hold on to these memories from the past, we're investing our energy into a story that we can do nothing about. We cannot change it. So in order for us to kind of move forward into the future and create an amazing life, an extraordinary quality of life, we have to be willing to learn the lesson from those stories and release the pain from it, so that we can then direct that energy that we've kind of misinvested into our creating our future. And that's where our success is, that's where fulfillment is, our peace and our happiness happen in the present moment.

Speaker 1: 21:09

But if we're holding on to these old stories that don't serve us anymore, those old stories contain limiting beliefs, and that's part of the radical forgiveness coaching that I do. I help people identify their limiting beliefs and help them change them. Help them replace them with more empowering ones. This is another lesson that we don't really learn when we grow up. You're allowed to change your beliefs, believe it or not, and that is an empowering thought all by itself. And if you have beliefs that no longer serve, you have a way of helping you replace them, so that you can start moving into the future and creating a future that you want, instead of being directed by past experiences because you're still invested in that story and not changing the trajectory of your life like you want to. Does that make sense?

Speaker 2: 22:04

It makes so much sense, sadly.

Speaker 1: 22:07

I love this stuff. I love it, no, no.

Speaker 2: 22:11

I feel like I don't know what to make about me, but I feel like I've gotten over so many things. But, man, when I was deep dark in there, I was. I'm thinking right now like where were you? Like I wish I had, like an infomercial about you or a web I wish I knew.

Speaker 1: 22:24

And this needs to be mainstream for that reason, because so many people are walking around silently ruminating about something they're angry about, something they resent, something they don't understand and wish that they could deal with, but it just keeps playing over and over and over.

Speaker 1: 22:44

And these are patterns that all of us deal with, but there is a way to deal with it and that's what I'm here for, that's my mission, because so many veterans deal with this. You know post-war kinds of things abuse that they may have experienced as a child, or neglect or dysfunction as a child that they take into their marriages and their family life and they're there in that setting, not knowing that they have a wound on the inside that has been there, affecting and influencing their life, maybe for a long time. And what a relief it is to get that diagnosis and get into some body-based treatment that really, really works and helps you discharge that wound and finally make peace with yourself. It's really a game-changing, game-changing event when that happens, and I just wish it for everybody out there. It's why this needs to be more in the mainstream, I believe.

Speaker 2: 23:47

Yeah, and that's why I'm so glad that you came in today and that you have this subject to talk about. We have many different subjects, but this is something that I feel is very important, and if we can get that into the mix, I love it. I can't wait to share some tidbits online. Thank you, get you your clips that you can share online. It's just important. No matter what your background or anything is, you got to know that there is an option and there are people who have gone through and they want to help you too.

Speaker 1: 24:15

Yeah, and you asked a very good question. Most people who are living with an unhealed wound don't know it, so how do we make them aware of it? And it's really they have to want to improve their life. And many times people who want to improve their life feel that they're stuck in a certain area, and that is worth getting curious about. What's going on there. Is there a repeating pattern that keeps showing up over and over again? That's a sure sign that there may be a wound there that's worth having a look at and not to fear the emotion. The base emotion that surrounds trauma, which I believe makes it difficult for people to even talk about, is shame. But what they don't see is that shame is all about a part of our self that we just we don't want to face, we want to push away, we want to avoid, and that's like totally ignoring a part of our self. It's like cutting off my arm and not even paying attention to it, not acknowledging it.

Speaker 1: 25:22

It doesn't even make sense, right, but it's just a natural thing we do. Shame is kind of the lowest vibrational emotion out there and it's a difficult thing to deal with because as a society, we just don't really understand what it is or how it affects our lives. That's why I say love your shame. It's a part of you that's wounded and that imagine a child that's wounded. The first thing you want to do is love him or her and help him to heal, help her to heal, and that's what you're doing with yourself. When you love your shame, you're really restoring yourself to wholeness. And this whole journey, this whole coaching journey whether it's radical forgiveness or high performance habits is about connecting with your best self, connecting with your authentic self, so that you can create the future that you want for yourself.

Speaker 2: 26:17

Wow, this is some good stuff. I'm probably going to re-listen to this, honestly, because I need it to get through to my head sometimes. And then just to wrap things up here, if you could leave our listeners, or just anybody who stumbles upon this, a message for them it could be in regards to your industry, with mental health, family life what would that message be?

Speaker 1: 26:42

Well, I'm working on a brand new project. I'm launching it on the 4th of April, next month. It's a new program I've developed I call it the fulfillment formula and I've leveraged my military career of 45 years, everything that I've learned about personal development over the course of my life, everything I've learned about relationships and trauma and visioning, empowering yourself to create the future that you want, and developing the habits and the skills you need to move yourself in that direction. I've patched it all in to this program called the fulfillment formula and I would just encourage people to consider the possibility that chasing after success is not really the answer, because there are a lot of successful people out there who are miserable in their life. They're not happy. They may have a lot of money, they may have the mansion, the great car, they may have plenty of money in the bank, but they're unhappy people. And that's because they may have pursued something in their life at one time and gained all this material wealth, but they're empty on the inside. They're unfulfilled by anyone's standard. They are successful people because of what they have, but on the inside they know something is missing, and I believe it's fulfillment, this sense of life, satisfaction, this contentment, this joy, this happiness sustained, consistent, this optimism for the future. If you create success for yourself but don't feel fulfilled, it's time to hire a coach and help you find that fulfillment, because it's out there.

Speaker 1: 28:37

And the second, if I may just share with you trauma is not something to fear. Trauma is a wound and you can heal a wound and there are people like me out there that are so anxious and excited and motivated to help you find that healing, because I know from personal experience what's on the other side of that. The only way to heal is to go through it and to come out the other side a better person, ready, equipped to really build a new life, to build an extraordinary quality of life. We all deserve that. There is no need to walk around with this. It's a choice, it's not a life sentence, and I would encourage people to take action in that regard.

Speaker 2: 29:32

Amazing. Thank you so much, man. I could talk to you forever, but I'm glad, yes, but yes. Thank you so much.